Getting past the feeling- when the feeling FEELS bigger than you

During my lifetime (uh- my short lifetime ;) there have been a few things of this existence that I truly love(d) and looked forward to; enjoyed and relished in: Autumn... followed closely by Winter. I am not a Summer person- well, I didn't used to be. The heat and sun and warm air? Ugh. Glowing, perspiring and just down-right sweating? Hmmm. But I looked forward to the last two seasons of the year not simply because I detested the warm months- but because I simply and wholeheartedly appreciated the entire Fall experience.

The cool, crisp air; leaves changing and falling to the ground; rain, thunder, lightening! [LOL] I know- I'm probably in the minority on that one but I just couldn't help myself. Why to see the sky darken and the wind pick-up? Are you kidding? I was in Heaven! The entire time Autumn made itself known- I made myself known to Autumn. Lived in it and savored every raindrop of it.

Gosh- Winter wasn't as fulfilling- uh- hmmm- yeah; whatever- fulfilling as the Fall was but I had no issue with the cold or snow (since it was the opposite of the heat and sun of Summer time). I always felt and said [with conviction] that you can always pile the clothes on for winter but there is a limit to the clothes you can take off for summer... yes there is.

And then one day all of my fun and happy memories were altered. My excitement for the changing of the weather turned to apprehension. My love for the last months of the year became dread- even hate. What in the world happened to cause such a 380 degree turn-around you might ask? Oh. No one asked? So what- you're already here; you might as well listen.

It was the (lowering voice to a hushed whisper) horrible and life-altering experience of going through a prescription medication withdrawal. Uh-huh. More than once. But then that is part of a different entry. Feel free to read the gory details here, here or here! [wink]

But back to how THAT effected my feelings of love for this time of the year- the time we are now approaching. Have you ever been in a car crash or wreck? Or perhaps something similarly traumatic? And for a long time- maybe indefinitely- whenever you come to that place or a near miss; you experience that moment of the original mishap or tragedy...

My exposure to the falls and pits of going 'cold turkey' from prescription drugs took place during a dark, windy and rainy day during Fall. But try as I have- I cannot help but become anxious and apprehensive as soon as the season of my discontent approaches. Its sad and pathetic and weak- and I know it. Logically I know that just because the air feels the same as it did the day I crashed (either time- take your pick) that the same thing will [hopefully] not happen again- but my emotions seem to take over. I no longer wait with expectation for the leaves to turn color or the days to get shorter. I become irritable and edgy... how can you tell? [LOL] I'm not smiling!

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying I'm giving up- only that we are entering in a part of the year that is now very difficult for me... and with all of the pushing and pressing and struggling to keep on keeping on; I see this as an added battle to my already constant waging war. Just say a pray for me in dealing with this; me and anyone- everyone else who shares a similar test/trial. We know- I know- that God is El Shaddai (the God who is more than enough) and somehow, some way we'll all make it through... and so I say Hooah!

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Who are you: and where is Joy?

Nothing to complain about

Recently I did what I said I would never do... I joined FaceBook.

But I did it in hopes of connecting with someone very specific who basically has whatever it is that I have (you know... same symptoms, issues, etc) and wanted to, uh- network? [LOL] But when I did I found old friends whom I hadn't seen in (lets just say) a few years. That was fun and a surprise- but sadly I found someone that I hadn't seen in only a few years- a young man.

When I was well and healthy and active I taught Sunday School forever and this little guy was in my class, my kids choir and I watched him grow-up. Little guy? He is not so little any more. He was a gorgeous child with a dark complexion, biggest brown eyes and always a smile... mostly because he was also mischievous! [wink] A heart-breaker waiting to happen.

The last time I saw him he was filled-out and sporting some pretty intimidating dread-locks [LOL]. But the big guy gave me a hug when he saw me.

Only today we connected on FB and my heart broke. Not because he still has the dazzling smile and killer eyes- but because that little fellow that loved my class as a child is a young man; a soldier in Iraq.

And I just kept looking at the photos he has/is posting on his page from there and thinking of all he has to be going through; all he has seen; all he has done and my thought was you (Joy) have nothing to complain about.

No- it's true. I do have much to deal with; more than some and less than others. But this young man and so many other young and old men and women are elsewhere in the world facing physical enemies; facing physical wars. The enemy I face; the war I am in is physical as well- but there are no guns, bombs and tanks involved. The battle I have takes place in my mind. I fight to overcome the pain and disability. The battle he is facing involves his very life... as well as others that are with him.

I am not thankful for my battle or struggles- but I am thankful that I know where I will lay my head this night. I know that when I wake up my family is here and close. That breakfast has been served and lunch prepared and dinner will take place later. I know that I don't worry about whether or not an enemy will cause harm or death in my home or that I will have to evacuate at any time. I have so much to be thankful for and little to complain about. Just my health- that is all; and I remind myself that the same God that I go to and depend on to help me through this battle is the same God who watches over those who are facing war in Iraq... El Shaddai, the God who is more than enough; and I say thank you God. Thank you.

Dear God,

You are so good and so wonderful. I appreciate your protective presence and look for the warmth of your Word. I ask that you continue to be with those in this world who are facing battles on everyday; battles with man and battles with the flesh. Give us all encouragement, guidance and reassurance in dealing with the enemies that are placed in our path that you are well able to carry us through.

I give thanks for your mercy, love, salvation and hope.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Uphill Battle

The last 2 days have been my worst in months. My body is past expression of pain. There is also the burning in legs and feet. Muscle tension headache today. Am depending on spell/grammar check today.

Last night feelings hurt over having to stay in bed. Talked to myself about fighting. Get up. Get up and fight this. But body could not. Today same. Worse though. Actually scream inside my head because pain is everywhere and severe.

But thought came that I am still fighting. Haven't given up. Sometimes the fight is from the bed. As long as I am not willingly laying here I am still in the battle. I don't accept that it is over. I am still in the battle.

Sometimes the battle is uphill. That is the hardest part but that also means that I am heading upward and the top is in sight.

I did not choose this path.
I did not choose this battle.
I did not choose this journey.
I did not choose this fight for my life.

But I do choose to win.

Joy

When the Dynamics are shaken

You know- snow globes are amazing. They are pretty and interesting; they can portray humor or intrigue. They have no other function other than perhaps include a music box, but to view and enjoy. The thing about snow globes is that in order to truly appreciate them you have to pick it up and shake it. Then- that is where the beauty of the snow globe comes into play. The tiny white reflective crystals spin and turn, continually falling back to the bottom. Doing this never hurts, disrupts or otherwise takes away from the wonder of the snow globe. Why? Because every single white or silver shaving within the globe is the same as the next one and the one before it. It doesn't matter where one particular flake falls because they all have and do the same thing.

Life should be so lucky!

Unfortunately when an individual becomes ill for long-term, the dynamics of that persons infrastructure become shaken- and what occurs is seldom as wondrous as the beauty of a snow globe.

Validation Anyone?

Patient: Hey Doc, I've gotta problem and wondered if you could help me.

Doctor: I'll do my best- what's the problem?

Patient: It's my elbow, Doc.

Doctor: What about your elbow?

Patient: Well- when ever I do 'this' (bending arm for the Doctor) it hurts like heck!

Doctor exams patients arm

Doctor: Oh, I see. I know exactly what to do about that.

Patient: Yeah? What?

Doctor: Don't do that.

Don't cha' just love a horrible joke? [LOL] But don't cha' also wish it were all THAT easy? Just don't do that- you'll be fine!



Alas, life is generally more complicated and (in my experience) less informative... at least where diagnostics are concerned. Searching for answers and staying, um... positive- can be a work all its own!



Mystery Diagnosis

House



Two programs I enjoy for similar reasons. The first one (MD) is about real-life situations in which someone is suffering or ill and either have yet to be diagnosed or have been misdiagnosed. The other (House) is fiction- but the storyline is about people who have odd, weird or a combination of symptoms and the Doc eventually figures out what the problem is.



Wishing there were such a Doc like 'Gregory House' in my area; wishing there were a way a Doc could stumble upon what is making me hurt. Hurt. That's an understatement; but sufficient.



Maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed if I hadn't put all my eggs in one big basket. *sigh* But, I did. After hoping and waiting and answering questions and filling out papers and talking on the phone and hoping and waiting...



I got my answer from the Docs (I should say DOC) that was supposed to figure it all out and open the door to a cure; or at least a less painful life. The answer? No answer. None. Yup- and yes, I cried (hard... and long). But- you can cry only so long before it just seems a waste of time and makes it seem worse.



So- I talked to my family, to a friend; prayed and did what I've been doing for the last- uh, several years? I moved on, figuratively any way and just continued with the/my journey.



I continue to write and journal. I continue to hope and pray. I continue to encourage myself and others. I continue to live. Hooah.

Appreciation

I want to share something. Yesterday I got into the shower/tub and actually stood for a shower; didn't use my shower-chair. HOOAH! I will confess it was most likely the shortest shower in recent history... but a standing shower, nonetheless. And- while I was standing (those few seconds LOL) I thought to myself, "How nice. How nice to stand in the shower; even for a few moments and wash- like the good ole days."

When someone is healthy or has little to no mobility problems, you can take a lot of things for granted; miss them when they are gone; appreciate them when they return. Standing for the shower, getting in the tub (period), shopping for your own clothes, shopping for your own food, window shopping, rides in the country, going to the library, going to church, going out of the house- leaving your room.

I'm thankful- so- very- thankful for all of the accomplishments God has allowed me and helped me to make in the past... uh- wait a minute; I think it's time for an official count. WOW- it is day 238 of my journey! My how time flies... when you're struggling! [LOL] Just kidding. The entire journey hasn't been a struggle- just seems that way [wink]. But the two phrases that I like to repeat (as often as I can) are: Through pain comes growth and If it is worth having; it's worth fighting for. And we are in a fight; the good fight of faith. And I remember often that someone recently told me/reminded me, that it is called the good fight... because we win.

Luv & Prayers,
Joy