Upon reflection

I had just started entering a new post when I had what I consider(ed) some personal news that was... devastating to me. You know? The kind of news you hate hearing after dealing with a chronic and/or invisible illness for... uh- EVER. I said to myself I can't finish this post. I can't continue with the thought or mood that was upon me when I first began to work on this one. But earlier I spoke with someone who told me I help and encourage others with my journal. I started feeling bad and although I will share with you what is going on... I just won't be doing it today. Instead- we lift each other up. Holding my chin up- what there is of it... and moving on.

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I was laying- pitifully in my bed. I've been here ALL DAY. Well... that isn't exactly true. I did try and attempt some type of normalcy several times today and get up and away from my bed- but it wasn't to be.

And I looked over at the clock and the time was 9:00 pm and the fact that the day was pretty much officially over made me reflect on my day. And? I said within myself "Today really sucked!"

LOL. I know- strong language [wink] but that is how I felt. Before I go further though, let me explain just how I got here and why I am feeling so... um- bad?

Yesterday was a big day. All of my Mom's children and their families were here- including my brother and his wife and sons, who flew in from Massachusetts. So we had a Father's Day, Family Reunion, Welcome Back Wing-Ding all-in-one! (Wing-Ding-does anyone use that term anymore? Hmmm)

I woke up and as usual I felt pain. But I pushed myself up and got cleaned up and dressed and went with my hubby and kids (and one dog... other furbabies were less fortunate that day and stayed home) to be a part of the fun, food and family.

So we got there and what a blast. I had my electric wheels and so I waited on no one and when not riding, I was sitting in a comfy, over-stuffed lawn chair. We ate and watched kids play. Oh- six boy cousins and two girls... LOL- we hadn't realized we were so testosterone heavy in the grandbaby department! Big pool full of boys most under four-foot tall and my two girls; but I love watching kids play. I always have. Something... I don't know- soothing about it. A child playing and pretending and enjoying such a simple time of life. Ah- C'est la vie (that's life).

But normally I would stay an hour-mmm, two at the MOST at any function. But my body was 'mostly' cooperating and I was actually sitting in the midst of my siblings and their partners and talking about everything and nothing and I just didn't want to stop.

** Inserted here: Please use common sense when dealing with chronic-illness/pain. Too much of a good thing... can be bad.

I stopped ignoring the messages and alerts my body was sending and called it a day after a four-hour period. A milestone for visits and outings where I'm concerned. But with growth comes pain. As they began loading me up into the van and I slowly came down from my festive adrenalin rush... those messages and alerts were more than just that. They were full-sized billboards of information and and newsflashes of critical illness propaganda- neon lights and all!

But I digress. Me and my brood went home- talked for a few about the day and went our own ways to 'basically' crash. Um- they went to their rooms to crash. I barely made it to my bed in what could be described more like a crack-up followed closely by a disintegration of important equipment and tools. Like when the plane comes down and tries to land the aircraft without the wheels!

Throughout the night the pains, aches and torturous feelings only increased until I had literally lain awake all night, unable to sleep because of the muscle-spasms and sharp, driving pains in my upper-back. Not meaning (really) to complain here... just stating what happened.

The day didn't get any better- health wise, that is. WHICH brings me to my earlier statement "Today really sucked!"

Ah- but as is the usual in my case- I rethought that statement and reflected on the day- again... and immediately the thought "it wasn't so bad" came to my mind.

True- I wasn't able to even tolerate sitting up, the pain was so severe but my whole family came in and lay down with me to watch a movie on my laptop. And so there we were: me, hubby, kids, pups- the whole house watching 'The Secret of NIHM' and that- was- nice. How could I call a day a washout (no matter how bad I felt/feel) when such a memory was created on that same day?

--->> Interesting trivia inserted here. Several, several, SEVERAL years ago while I was still a healthy and active person- one of my goody/benefits I enjoyed was traveling several times a year for additional training, conferences and so-on. During one of these dream details I was registered at the Ritz Carlton in St. Louis, MO and none other than Dom DeLuise was there at the same hotel, just a floor above me. In the Gift Store we accidentally bumped elbows and every hayseed, corncob and Midwestern instinct (that I thought was buried way deep) came foward in a gush in the form of pulic display... you know? The kind you read about in the newspaper- check the photo; it was probably me! [LOL] I bring this up for a couple of reasons; one- Dom DeLuise was the voice of the crow in the film "Secret of NIHM" and two... 'cause it's just such a great re-tailing! But I'm sure he never forgot me. I was the one standing toward the side, holding my elbow and practically screaming DOM DELUISE! ITS DOM DELUISE!

Oh well- we all have those moments in our lives that we are a little less, umm- proud of -HA HA HA] But this isn't one of mine... hey! It was DOM DELUISE! DOM DELUISE!

-->> Returning to our story now

So what is my point? Ah- I don't know. [LOL] I guess maybe my point is that sometimes even when its bad or we're going through a bad time... there is always something good to find about the day. There is always a moment (even through the pain, illness, depression- whatever) that something- something good happened; when something nice took place; a moment that took your mind off of the tests and trials- even if it literally is for a moment.

And then I was sorry- repentant- because I had had some good moments and could NOT say my day sucked. Sure... it was a day spent in bed, but I did get up two times if only briefly and I did enjoy time with my family. So there is still rainbows after the rain and there is still light reflecting from the moon on the darkest nights... and God is still- good and the blessings are still there; just might have to dust them off a bit before you can truly appreciate the hope and favor that come from them- the gifts of God.

Kind of like a Search-n-Find. At first glance the images on the game sheet may simply look like any other drawing, scenery, landscape, etc... It isn't until you stare, meditate and reflect on each piece of the picture that you can find little goodies and surprises hidden within the rest of the artwork. Maybe when our day; your day; my day- is not what we would have liked it to have been- we need to treat that day like one of those Search-n-Finds. Become meticulous and unrelenting until you find at least one good thing about the day that could otherwise be described as a wash-out. If one is all you find... then great: Hooah! But look for more and hope there is a surprise waiting for you as a result.

Ahhh... As I lay here- (still) rather pitifully- I can look over at the clock and and upon reflection think to myself, "Today really had some nice moments in it! Hope to find some more tomorrow."



Luv & Prayers,
Joy