Someone asked me recently how do you do it? It being [LOL] practically everything. And I'm not going to lie, or sugar-coat it or put on the brave Bette Davis front from Dark Victory {although I'd love to have those eyes}. I'm no braver than others and perhaps more, um- cowardly? No- that's not it. Weak? No. Even I wouldn't say I was weak... Ah- apprehensive or hesitant. Yeah- I think I'm just trying to find my way around the life, test or trial; however you want to phrase it, the best I can, however I can.
When I find something I just cannot physically do or tolerate- I try to come up with a way that I can... or I wait until I'm able. If that time doesn't come- I find a substitute or at the least a big chocolate milk!
You know about four-five years ago I was sitting in a pain-management center for a consult. He was looking me over to see if he wanted to 'treat' me and guess what? I was looking him over to see if I wanted him to treat me. Don't forget that. We have choices and prerogative whether we put ourselves in the care of one physician or another. Keep that in mind.
[we now continue with our story]
So I was sitting there and he said... actually said this- word for word; and yes- it's burned in my memory. The meds haven't been able to squelch that conversation from my brain matter- [LOL] yet. He stood in front of me and said, "Your main complaint- or problem I should say, is that you have a lot of pain. Maybe you need to learn to adjust and cope with it. I mean everyone has pain. I have pain, athletes have pain- the thing is they learn to deal with it and go on."
Thank you Doctor Compassionate-Understanding! Working on that Physician of the Year Award, are you?
What do you say to that? I mean- someone who, like me- who has been in the position of searching for answers AND trying to deal with the pain WHILE attempting to maintain some sort of normalcy? I probably don't need to tell you of the scope of emotions/feelings that surged within me when this professional said these words to me. My response was unfortunately... silence.
Sometimes I think attempting to give vocalization to what we are thinking can concurrently release a spew of triggered emotions. I didn't want to spew (well- maybe spew) or cry or breakdown in front of this man. I opted for the non-response as my response. Inside I simply felt confused. I know that time is inconsequential when the brain begins to search and try to recollect what information or input could help in defending or responding to what one feels as an 'attack'. What seemed like a long time- was (I'm sure) only moments as I reflected on my 'previous' life as compared to the one I was currently living.
Did I? Did I always have pain? Am I just in dire need to 'suck it up' and move on? No... no. I never had pain like this; constant and continuous. Sure- who doesn't experience discomfort, stress or outright pain at some point in their life or even periodically? I mean stomach aches, headaches, migraines, twinges, knee or joint pain. And athletes? That's hitting below the belt. Sure- I'll concede that athletes experience pain. How could they not? But- who would run a marathon, play ball or go for a touchdown if all of those pains I mentioned were happening at the same time... all day- and more? That is what I wish I could have said with my own (normally) big mouth. Doc? Everyone has pain- yes. I know. But I have multiple pain- varying levels simultaneously and without a break. Pain that I sometimes term as suffering, agony or anguish. Pain that is without dispute that is debilitating. That- is- not- the norm. It's not- it can't be. But enough of that (let it go, Joy- let it go).
Getting up, brushing teeth, brushing my hair, bathing, sitting up, walking to bathroom or another room, sitting in the wheelchair, painting, gaming, eating, sleeping, typing... you name it: I experience pain during that activity (heck, I experience pain with NO activity [LOL]). There is no reprieve for good behavior. When I say it's a 'good day' or a 'fair day' that literally means that the amount of pain or difficulty I am experiencing is less than what I normally encounter. Sorry- but I am looking for the 'great days' or 'terrific days' in my horizon.
I guess what I'm trying to say is (*swallow* I can't believe I'm going to say this *gulp*): we all have pain. [LOL] Except I'm going to put some qualifiers on this presumptuous statement.
- The we in that statement is we... those of us who suffer daily with chronic pain or chronic illness.
- Pain is there- we know it. We (I) can't wait for the perfect moment to plan or do something that I want to do or that needs done. There may not be a perfect moment any time soon- if ever. Push past what you can and try to tolerate- if possible. Solicit help for when you cannot or if your goal (whatever it may be) still can't be attained on your own.
- I'm all for creativity and innovative ideas to help accomplish the daily or routine tasks in a way that is functional for the... um- non-functioning? Ah- you know what I mean.
- I adhere to the old adage that I can say it... but you can't! I can say that I need to suck it up or toughen up. But someone who has no concept of the personal struggle or discipline it takes to simply get out of bed says that? Next time I 'might not' keep silent. Oh well... we know I will. Just don't do it: okay? Its, uh- hurtful.
- Having an Invisible Illness- does not make 'us' invisible.
- It's okay to not be able to do something. If you [I] can't ... well- then we just can't. God did say that all things are possible to them that believe and are called according to his purpose. But there is also a season and a time for everything. So be patient; be vigilant; be thankful; be honest. Give yourself credit for what you can do and don't apologize for what you cannot.
Luv & Prayers,
Joy
Joy, I DO hope you speak up next time. Plan ahead what you will say if there is that next time. You are very good with words and that is another place you can advocate for all of us!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Sheryl
In Sure It Hurts, you have literally took the words out of my mouth. I push through it too, otherwise its give up. People are tough to work with on understanding our daily pain, but the doctors are the worst. Sometimes, actually many they don't get it or won't get it, when they have preset perceptions about us pain patients. Is there a language to speak to them so they may actually hear us or validate us. Unfortunately for some people, not all they have to experience before they believe. I just wish it was not so often this case! I hear you loud and clear, Joy!
ReplyDelete